I don’t think many people, including the ones struggling,
realize what a burden it is to not have money. The kind of stress it puts on every
little decision you make: weighing your options, trade-offs, compromises – it’s
exhausting. But you get used to it. You convince yourself that it’s universal. Of
course people who buy themselves nice things have to withstand losses in every
other part of their life. Sure, I’m supergluing my boots together because I can’t
afford to spend even $20 on a cheap new pair, but it’s just because I’m not
willing to live off plain noodles and toast for the weeks before my next
paycheck.
It’s a choice. But it’s a choice that’s embarrassing and one
that sucks to have to make.
Growing up we didn’t get an allowance. It wasn’t until I was
16 and had my own paycheck that my parents started offering $1 for every time
we washed the dishes. Asking my parents for money was the most stressful thing
I can remember from middle school. When my mom took me shopping, she would politely
redirect me to the clearance rack if I ever dared look at something full price.
I’d ask to go to a movie with my friends and my dad would respond “And how are
you paying for that?” Then I’d politely ask if I could have $10, he would
begrudgingly hand me his wallet, and I would hope he only had a $20 bill and
would forget to ask for his change.
Even before I wanted to spend money independently, I was
acutely aware of my family’s financial situation. One of the reasons I clung so
hard to the idea of Santa Clause and was so devastated upon discovery of the
lie was that it was the only time I could ask for what I wanted free of guilt. I
joke now about my insistence on his existence, but the truth is Christmas was
never the same. Once I knew my parents were funding my Christmas, I limited my
list to only the realistic things I knew my parents could afford and would be
willing to buy. As a 10-year-old looking through toy magazines, I checked the
listed prices.
I’m not the first in my family to go to college. My older
sister went for a couple years, dropped out, married into the military, and
finished her degree at a random online school based in Florida that gave a
military discount. My older brother enlisted in the military himself and received
an NROTC scholarship to attend UW – Madison. I’m not the first to graduate with
a disgusting amount of student loan debt. I’ve often felt grateful that my
parents have such a low income because it allowed me to qualified for the need-based
financial aid that allowed me to live somewhat comfortably throughout college.
Better to be like this than the awkward middle where they don’t make enough to
cover tuition, but too much to be considered “in need.”
And I have lived comfortably. I eat out a reasonable amount,
I studied abroad and traveled, I’ve gathered an impressive makeup collection, I’m
not exactly living bare bones. But there was always that voice in the back of
my head, that guilt, saying that I would have to pay it all back one day. That
the money wasn’t really mine to spend anyway. The threat of graduation and then
the end of my post-graduation grace period has been a constant stress. It’s
caused me to pack my schedule full trying to work as many hours as possible
while preparing to get a post-grad job and also not totally neglect my role as
a student.
It’s a struggle so many college students face. It’s so
prevalent that we can joke about it with each other. We have to make light of
it because what else can we do? While it feels good to have people relate, it’s
also just devastating to realize how many people you know are going to have
that shadow over them for the foreseeable future. It’s heartbreaking.
The point is I just got a big paycheck today from my real
person job that I will be working after I graduate. I have a job lined up with
benefits and it pays more than twice the minimum wage and I know that I am so
incredibly lucky to have that. So many of my friends will need their grace
period and still struggle to make their monthly payments. I know that it’s luck
and the fact that by chance I applied for a job my sophomore year that would
have the capability to keep me on full-time after graduation.
But I’m also incredibly proud of and happy for myself. Money has been one of my biggest enemies in life and I finally feel like I’ve won in some way. I still have $30k of debt to pay back and I’m not exactly done shopping the clearance section, but for once I don’t need to worry so much. The weight I had become so accustomed to that I forgot its presence is mostly gone. And it feels really good.
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