You may have been lucky enough to see this article floating around the internet
recently. While I agree that there’s a major problem in the way women use
having a boyfriend as an excuse to get a guy to back off, this article skeeves
me out a lot and I’m going to tell you why.
First of all, it places the blame on women, saying that the
solution is for us to stand up for ourselves and not use excuses that take the
choice away from us. However, the point is that many guys won’t respect that
choice. Not many girls use a boyfriend (real or fake) as a first resort.
Usually a significant other is only brought up once the man has made it clear
he won’t take a simple no for an answer. Yes, it’s a cheap way out, but it’s
also not the woman’s fault.
The problem here is what the original quote says: men
respect another man’s “ownership” (barf) more than a woman’s independent
choice. We can say we’re not interested until the cows come home and many guys
will keep persisting. It’s not a problem of women giving excuses, it’s a
problem of men thinking that instead of “no” meaning “go away,” it means “try
harder.” And they don’t learn this from women – most men already have this idea
in their head the first time they get rejected – they learn it from society.
The whole “a woman has to belong to a man” idea inherent in
this problem is so clearly a result of patriarchy, and it makes me incredibly
uncomfortable to pin the blame on women. We’ve learned throughout our lives
that men pose a danger to us. It’s completely understandable to take the easy
way out when confronted with someone who won’t take no for an answer. It’s 100%
OK to say/do whatever’s necessary to get away without confrontation when doing
otherwise might put you in danger.
If you feel comfortable standing your ground and not using
any excuses to reject a guy, that’s completely your choice and it’s a brave
one. But it’s also ignorant to argue that that’s always a safe and reasonable
option. Whether it’s because the man is intimidating and you’re scared of how
he might react to blunt rejection or you just don’t want to deal with the
confrontation, you shouldn’t feel guilty for using an escape method you know
will work.
I’m not saying a collective movement to honest rejection
wouldn’t change some people’s behavior, but the problem is bigger than the
independent behavior of any man or woman. It’s a structural problem in the way
we teach boys that “no” means “convince me.” It’s a problem in the way we teach
men that persistence is romantic instead of inappropriate. It’s a problem in
the way we perceive women’s decisions as weak and easily changed.
The problem is NOT that women are using excuses to escape
uncomfortable situations in the only way we know will work.
So instead of telling women to fix the problem, I’m going to
tell men to stop making this practice necessary. If a woman says any version of
“no thanks, I’m not interested,” back the fuck off and respect her choice. When
we stop needing to pretend to belong to someone else, that’s when I’ll stop
saying “I have a boyfriend.”
((Oh hey, I remembered that I have a blog!))
